12.29.2008

fortune 500

for christmas, todd and i always eat dinner at shangri-la, an all-vegetarian chinese restaurant out on irving street. it's also kosher, and last thursday we counted six yarmulkes before we even sat down. but that's a side note. at the end of dinner, we opened our fortune cookies. todd's was pretty straightforward:
if you continually give you will continually have.

he thought it was profound. i thought it was missing a comma. i opened my cookie to find multiple fortunes. first one:

a finanical investment will yeild returns beyond your hopes.

well, obviously this fortune was divinated way before fannie, freddie, the big 3, etc. and does a shoe box count as a financial investment? next up:

you have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.

i have an usual affinity for proper grammar, and you, dear fortune, aren't using it properly. final fortune:

you and your wife will be happy in your life together.

i think i either got todd's (or some other fine gentleman's) cookie or this cookie supports gay marriage.

12.22.2008

there-a-flew your foot into mouth

last night todd and i went to a pakistani muslim wedding down in fresno. all things considered, we arrived home around 1AM unscathed. well, except for these two occurances:

1) the groom's mom mistakenly thought that i was part of the hotel staff, and asked me repeatedly to refill the buffet. could this have been because i was one of three white girls in attendance? or did my massive fro just scream "fresno born and bred"?

2) todd struck up a conversation with two women who were friends with said groom's mom. one in particular took hold of the conversation, and todd, being the nice guy that he is, asked how long she'd been here in the us. 20+ years, she said. and then she said how she was from india, but sick. todd replied like any good gringo. "oh, i'm sorry!" to which she counteracted with "but why? i'm so happy!" sikh, todd. not sick.

12.18.2008

they drive me crazy

to make a long story short, i had a crammed bus ride home yesterday where i listened to "womanizer" on 5 different radio stations over 45 minutes. as britney plays in the background when you're barely holding on to the top bar and there's ass grabbing and bus swervage, strange things pop into your head. or my head. behold, a revamped version of the beginning of "womanizer" in homage to the full-busted woman.

original lyrics can be found here. audio version of song is here. i've also embedded the original for your listening ease.


Minimizer
Superstars
I look down, and you’re going
Out in front
of the lace you ain’t flowing

You can play brand new to
All the bouncy t!ts down here
But I know what you are
What you are, b00bies

Look at you
Moldin' more than just a B-cup
Baby you
Hold all my puppies with their strings up

Fakin' like a Maidenform
But I call 'em like I see 'em
I know what you are
What you are, b00bies

Minimizer, mini-minimizer
You're a minimizer
Oh, minimizer, oh
Need a minimizer, baby

You, you, you are
You, you, you are
Minimizer, minimizer
Minimizer

Bra don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Bra don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

You stopped me overflowing
You're oh so charming
And I can't change it
You minimizer

Bra don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Bra don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

Some say I'm a D
I look like a C
You're something oh a
Minimizer


all rights reserved by me

12.16.2008

dino might

early this morning, i saw this headline on the chronicle's website.

i work in soma (aka south of market district), and late night fights, brawls, and broohahas aren't too surprising. we've got streetside peeing, afternoon window smashing, and every now and then, a few very happy meth addicts selling gummy watches and god. so a fist fight isn't too out there in my book. but a fight about dinosaurs? or even better, with dinosaurs? this intrigued me. until i looked below the headline...

the scientists at the cell biology conference are starting the war on theories. if you want to win, you'd better bring it, nerds. none of this spring break in fort lauderdale crap. dinosaurs are serious stuff, man. i should know. we went to see the dinosaur exhibit every year or so back in elementary school, and the day glo paint and plastic flora knocked it home that those mighty beasts rocked this planet way back in the day. so bring it. pocket protector is optional.

12.10.2008

a-line, aline, a lean, align.

last week, i debated between a matte jersey knit dress and a poufy skirt for holiday events. putting both items on hold, i contemplated overnight, returned to re-try both items, and eventually succumbed to the dress.

[separately, thank you macy's, for a special 30% off just about everything day, but please advise your associates that the sale and the additional 20% off for re-opening my macy's credit card does NOT equal 50% off my purchase. i think it's time to retool your sales 101 curriculum.]

later that evening, i told todd about the foiled skirt. it wasn't really a-line shaped (see image), and had too much material in the hips. obviously, after one wear, i'd hate it and never wear it again. his response? "of course you need an a-line* skirt! it's your middle name."


* my middle name is aline (al-lean). sigh.

12.09.2008

my achy breaky totally full heart

todd treated me to an early birthday dinner at none other than the two-michelin starred cyrus, probably one of the most highly touted restaurants in northern california. we drove up to healdsburg this past weekend for a mini-getaway, and experienced one of the most luxurious meals ever. through the entire evening, the staff treated us like kings and queens, and the vegetarian tasting menu was a great birthday present. our plates were constantly refilled with in-house bread, no one scoffed at my beet allergy, and each dish tasted amazing. maybe turning 29 isn't so scary after all...


first off, a tray of canapes to open our five senses of taste: bitter, sweet, sour, salty, and umami. on the bottom were cups of a fresh broth. in the middle, fluffy homemade pretzels filled with cheese and some kaffir lime treat. on top, a kumquat canape and a beer bubble.

kaffir lime canape


kumquat canape

beer bubble canape (my least favorite flavor, but the bubble made me think of some of the craziness of top chef)

next came our amuse bouche of salad. it was fresh and light, perfect for a first bite!


a creamy yet well flavored cauliflower soup with truffles, almonds, and chives. i could sip this all day... but then i'd weigh 400 lbs and have three chins.


here's the homemade tagliarini with surgar pie pumpkin coulis and pepitas. the drizzle added a deep, saucy/nutty flavor.


artichoke barigoule: these little artichoke hearts came adorned with onion chips, licorice leaves, and skordalia sauce.


smoked "hen of the woods" and black trumpet mushrooms with onion, chard, and potato rosti, topped with a sweet and sticky balsamic vinegar.


these autumn vegetables were soaked in high acidity, then plated with a miso-battered/stuffed squash blossom. the broth was a miso-type stock.


here, we were totally full, but up rolled the cheese cart. we tasted a few, but wanted to leave room for dessert...


the first of two (yes, two!!!) desserts: verjus sorbet (yum!!!!!) and quince riesling soup with crystallized picholine olives. the tart soup tasted champagne-like, and the olives added a nice sweet calmness.

lemon huckleberry souffle with frozen white chocolate truffle (filled with huckleberry). i have to admit i couldn't finish mine. i love love love dessert, but by this time, i was totally full and ready for a nap.

but what nap? for the candy/mignardises cart came by. one of our many attendants happily gave us a stock of truffles, caramels, cocoa cookies, etc. to add to our "tomorrow" brownie boxes. perfect for sunday night amazing race watching!


on a slightly separate note, our booth was situated just 3 feet from the truffle box. both the white and black truffles were flown in from europe and could be added to any dish for a fee (per gram). staff handled the truffles with plastic gloves, and it's possible they had their own secret service. we foresee truffle dealing to become the new cocaine business around 2019. just roll up to any high school, swing by the bleachers, and exchange a few $100s with the young foodies for your own high class stash of 'shrooms.

12.08.2008

sincerely, me

never ever sign a letter/email/company-wide memo with "best retards." it just sends the wrong message.

12.05.2008

mascara 101, day 10

what better way to finish up sephora's lash stash than with sephora's own in-house brand? sephora's atomic volume mascara comes with a nifty wand. tiny little bristles make it super easy to navigate the brush, and it holds just the right amount of mascara. after two coats, i couldn't believe how long my lower lashes were. those are mine, right? i sure hope sephora didn't knock me out and beam a team of experts into my bedroom, all in the hopes of tricking me, 'cuz these long lashes made my morning super. they aren't as feathery as some of the others (too faced, tarte, and smashbox come to mind), but the only thing subatomic was my camera's batteries, which seemed to be dying; the images are a little washed out.

12.04.2008

reeeeeeeeeeee-co-lah!

12 clementine oranges in one day will not fend off a cold. but a unique combination of hdtv, spicy salsa, and steam showers will.

12.01.2008

life in hd

after i moved to san francisco, i used some of my graduation money (thanks, mom and grandparents!), to buy my first real tv, a $300 27" panasonic. compared to the loaner 14" from college, this was an upgrade: massive, with that big bulky back and the necessity for two people to awkwardly lug it up multiple flights of stairs. with my old skool vhs player, i felt like i had arrived! since then, the tv has been through two moves (including a very bumpy one in the back of a u-haul), acting as a bed warmer for the cat, a few living room repositionings, and one full frontal 18" fall. awhile back the color started to dull, and the espn tickers scroll on a slight tilt...

fast forward to thanksgiving eve, where we must have been drunk off our a$$e$ from vegan stuffing, scalloped potatoes, homemade cranberries (with agar!), and gravy (mostly thanks to this wonderful book), and cheese-stuffed quorn patties, pecan pie, and whipped cream. all full, we searched the internet for black friday megadeals, specifically looking at electronics. lo and behold, we saw some of the incredible deals at best buy, and decided, on a whim, to set the alarm for 4am. on friday. the day after thanksgiving. a vacation day no less(for me, at least...). 6 hours later, we awoke and groggily drove over to best buy, where we waited in line with 300 or so fellow san franciscans (how we were two of about 20 white people in that line i'll never understand... don't caucasians love deals, too?), and after another 45 minutes of waiting inside, we became the proud owners of a new flat screen tv. the only downside, which they don't tell you until you've paid up, is that you have to return that evening to pick up your goods...

after a refreshing nap, we realized that this wasn't just a tv we were committing to. it was a new hd-compatible cable box. we mosied down to portrero (why is there only one comcast location in the city? and why does it only have a max of 5 representative desks? really. this. makes. no. sense.). on the drive over, we talked about switching the acct. to me if possible (hello, hbo for $39.99!). after about 40 minutes in line, we finally got up to the service desk, but todd switched up his story on me a tad. "hi. i'm moving. like out of the country. and she (yes, i'm just she) is subletting my apartment. i won't be there. at all. and she has an hdtv. and she needs a new box. can she also get a new account?" meanwhile, i made some sad face and whispered quite loudly, "you didn't tell me you were moving out of the country! bastard." yeah. we weren't believable. but we got the new box, a much cheaper plan with more bang for our buck, and we were off.

all in all, our semi-spur-of-the-moment purchase ended up requiring a new dvd player that could upconvert, a new hdmi cable, and a super duper long 15' surge protector, so our impulse buy doesn't feel quite so impulsive anymore. but how did i live without hd all my life? i sat there mesmerized on saturday, staring at some basketball player's sweaty bald head and enthralled with his deeply focused eyes. even qvc is better in hd. that segment with the loose leaf tea pots? holy cow! must. have. one. or five. and have i mentioned the informercials? with hd, i was shocked to see how effective a razor blade sharpening system could be, especially with the detailed hand-drawn renderings.

plus, bright and early on saturday, on our way to the hardware store, we passed marjorie (the short haired, french-born san franciscan) from america's next top model on haight street. now that's taking hd to a whole new level.

mascara 101, day 9

traveling caused me to take a break from mascara testing. really, south florida's humidity and non-waterproof mascara don't quite jive. but now i'm back, and ready to attack!

last week i tested out urban decay's big fatty mascara. the brush is big and lush, but the mascara itself below average. my lashes clumped, and they felt heavier as opposed to feathery or longer or lustrous. i had minor raccoon eyes at the end of the day, and it was really hard to get off with my all-natural eye makeup remover. better yet, the next morning i had giant circles under my eyes that rivaled an anemic's.