oh no you di'int

i'm prissy. yes, i admit it. i don't intentionally do anything illegal (accidentally totalling an suv and get my nose bashed in by police in riot gear are in a category all their own) . the seatbelt is fastened, i don't carry a concealed weapon, and i file my taxes. for example, a few years ago, i took my mom and kevin to rainbow, a super-duper vegetarian (minus the supplements and cat food) grocery down near the mission and soma, and parking was atrocious. kevin parked right next to the city sign that said "no parking" in big letters and i got all snippy. "oh, no you don't! it's illegal!" i sqawked, to which he scoffed and cackled, especially when we left and didn't find any little envelope with a fine stuck anywhere near his car. but back on topic...

there's a thief at my place of employment. not a jewel thief or a prince of thieves. it's a food thief! when i was first hired, one of the first things one of my new colleagues said was, "watch out for your lunch! someone has a knack for stealing things left in the fridge or freezer." riiiight, i thought. at least, until my amy's vegan meatloaf was stolen from the freezer. and then someone started helping themselves to spoonfuls of my vegan butter tub (which had my name on it). and then my "this is becca's" labeled soy milk. and it wasn't just me; other people said the same things were happening to them, and yeah, i don't really care that their chicken salad and leftover bbq ribs were missing, but hey, it still sucks to be w/out lunch. many of us complained to facilities, which prompted lots of mass emails of "keep your hands and mouth where they belong" and such.

but i don't condone illegal things, sneakery, or cruelness, and a few weeks ago, when i found out that, of all things, my veggie "chicken" nuggets had gone missing, well, i fought back the best way i knew how. with a sword! er. with microsoft word and a laserjet printer!

my note said:

Earlier this week, I bought a box of Quorn Southwestern Chik’n Wings (and if you must know, Quorn products feature a mycoprotein, are fungus based, and are meatless). I added a few of the “wings” to my lunch on Tuesday, closed up the box, and put it back in the freezer. Today, Thursday, I went to heat up a few more, and lo and behold, the box is gone. No where to be found. Kaputsy.

This is the third time something like this has happened to me in the past six months; I’ve also had a whole tub of vegan butter go missing, and a significant amount of my new vegan butter tub as well as ½ a carton of my oat milk. Now, I don’t want nor expect a repayment, yet I know that this has happened to other kitchen users as well (and, as "[a colleague] knows, I ate her string cheese, left her a very apologetic note, and promptly replaced it).

We all know accidents happen. Glass jars tip over and crack, something spills, perhaps someone’s having a bad day, etc. But what I’m trying to address is the ghost of the kitchen aka “things mysteriously disappearing” that seems to constantly happen in this lovely fridge/freezer combination.

So to whomever out there is secretly helping him/herself to foodstuffs that aren’t his or hers, be a good doobie and stop! Your actions aren’t cool.


P.S. To the facilities staff: Please don’t remove this. Thanks!

has this stopped things from going missing? no. but it did help prompt a very stern email from the facilities staff, which stated that "this sort of disrespect for what belongs to others will not be tolerated. I am taking some surveillance measures so this sort of activity can be more closely monitored and if a person is caught taking what belongs to another, whether it is food, drink, desk contents, or whatever, the repercussions will probably be severe."

surveillance measures? repercussions? what could those entail? and would a tux, audi, and ice palace fit into the mix? or maybe just a nanny cam, fridge-style like salad dressing that's also a super sekret spy camera. so far, i've checked the milk, dishwasher, and sofa, but i've yet to find any surveillance devices. or my nuggets. boo.

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